Reflections
by Selene Romanov
Summary: Peyton's reflections on her life after Ellie dies.


**Fire burns. **It hurts, but I don't think it hurts as much as loss. A big gaping hole inside of my chest. How to put it in easy terms. Carrots bounce, I found that out one night while in a depressed state. Candles flickering in the dark room, as I listen to loud angry music. Trying to drown out the voice of reason that echoes in my mind. I'm sick and tired of listening to reason, when has it ever done anything good for me.

I sat on my bed staring at the wall, so many numbers, representing the souls in this world. Broken, alive, greedy, hopeful, wanting, needing, the list goes on and on. I had a bag of carrots, trying to be healthy and everything. Thinking of death tends to make you reassess your eating habits. At least it did to me.

I lost my mother Anna eight years ago. I thought that was it, the pain was overwhelming, it almost broke me, but last time I had people to help me through it. This time I've pushed everyone away. They're all so happy, they can't imagine how it feels. Except, I hear them say repeatedly. "**We know what you're going through, it will get better."**

What the hell do they know? Nothing, they're together. Brooke and Lucas, Haley and Nathan. They don't know what I'm going through. They don't know how the pain has embedded itself in my body, every move I make, it reminds me of the pain, every breath I take.

I know I'm not the only person on the planet to lose their adopted mother and then their birth mother to death. But I feel like I am, in my own world, it hurts, it breaks my spirit. I can be depressed and mope, cry, throw things, it reminds me of being human, it makes me feel, it makes me alive, I know something, I feel something.

I'm reminded of the silence of cemeteries, where no one moves, everybody is dead. Bodies are buried in the ground, spirit, essence, soul departs elsewhere. We spent the end of winter, all of spring, the beginning of summer together, before you were taken from me. We made a difference in the world, you died knowing me as you wanted. A part of me died with you, gone forever from the world of reality, harsh existence.

Why'd you have to go? I miss you, I love you. I'm alone, I have people that love me, yes I know. But they don't know what I'm going through. The first time we met, you were so easy to talk to, our mutual like of music was a bonding starting point. The beginning of our relationship was a lie, but it was nice to know someone else who was a part of me. You carried me for 9 months inside of you, you delivered me into the world. Gave me up for a better life.

I was angry at first, but once I'd had time to think about it, I could try to adapt to your ideas and see why you did what you had to. You were young, addicted to bad things and were trying to what you thought was best. I can see that a young mother would only want the best for her daughter. You did for me and that is one reason I love you.

I trace the number of souls on my wall that exist in the world, guess I'll have to take it down one, because you're gone now. I'll miss you, but I know it was your time. I'm just thankful that I had this time with you. Time to get to know you, touch you, feel your love, learn what you liked/hated. Learn as much as I could about you.

This year in my life was about learning about you, my birth mother, another part of me, my identity that is a key to who I am. How I came to be, where my talent for drawing comes from, my taste in music, my quirks, some from you, some are mine. The point is that, I know that those came from you.

I will never forget you, you gave me life and I got to see you before you died. Before you left this world, I have memories of you, that will fade with time. But I remember something I told you a while ago, about how I remember a song for how it made me feel. I can remember the day, the weather outside, what I was wearing, how I felt. I don't have a song for the day I lost you, that you left me, but I will find one.

Everything will be detailed, heightened in feeling, emotive colors, touch, thought, sight. I will remember the white of the hospital bed as you lay there, laughing with me, taking your last breath. The flaxen wheat of your hair as it lay on the pillow. The sharp wit of your eyes, dulled with pain and fight. The pale bumps under the covers of your body, tired of fighting the inevitable. The everlasting blue of the sky. The glare of the sun, bright and hurtful.

The pain I felt when I saw your eyes close for the last time, tears flooding my eyes as you took your last breath. I accept that death is a natural occurrence in this world, I hear about it everyday, I see it on the news, you hear about people dying, being murdered, tortured. BUT when it happens to you personally, it feels that much more intense, hard, painful. I felt like my heart was being ripped out, like I was being pulled across hot coals. Watching something happen, that hurts you and that you can't control, but you have to stand back and watch is horrible. Words can't describe it. You have to experience it yourself.

Everyone's situation is different, I know I'm not special in any particular way and yet I am. Because no one will ever know how I feel exactly, what goes through my mind. Everyone's own situation, way of dealing with it, is different.

Acceptance, anger, denial, grieving, moving on…….are all parts of it. It's just how we go through these stages that differentiates us.

I remember a while ago, a drawing I did entitled, "People Always Leave." Yes, it's true, but sometimes these people can't help leaving, it's their time to go.

Ellie, I will miss you. I will love you forever.


End file.
